Why Do We Know, Like, & Trust Others?
SCIENCE OF SUCCESS
WHY DO WE KNOW, LIKE, & TRUST OTHERS?
Relating to One Another
People do business with those they Know, Like, Trust & Value. What is rapport? How do we bond? Is empathy a factor? What causes us to actually let down our defenses and let someone into our circle? Why do we think we know, like, or trust another and more importantly how do we get others to know, like, & trust us?!
As a Tulsa based, executive business and life coach with a passion for public speaking and a burning desire to help others achieve their goals, I have spent my past 37 years trying to uncover what causes some people to click with one another and support a vision, business, or mission, what causes some people to shun one another, & sometimes I uncover the factors driving some to destroy the goals of a peer or colleague.
Ultimately, I have found, among many other social conditioning variables, 2 powerful skills necessary for anyone seeking to maximize their ability to win over others and build solid foundations for positive social relationships whether personal or professional:
Behavioral Flexibility & a Physiology/Psychology focused on a Preferred Outcome.
Are You Like Me?!
We humans have developed tools, tools that psychologist call “meta-models,” in Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP,) this concept is summarized by a simple presupposition:
“The Map is NOT the Territory.”John Grinder & Carmen Bostic St. Clair, in their 2003 book, Whispering In the Wind
which means what we construct in our minds about reality or concrete facts is not the actual reality we live in but rather a model of reality so we can function without constantly taking up brain power by updating our perceptions of who people are, what their motives might be, and whether or not they are safe or dangerous, although in an ideal world we would have access to all the information needed to be able to do so along with a perfect processor to update data in real time but alas. . .
We don’t have access to infinite data or what anyone other than ourselves are thinking, so this trait of creating meta-models, albeit flawed, has protected and empowered our physically fragile species in isolated areas while simultaneously enabling us to systematically overtake the globe in spite of our lack of typically necessary factors such as
- Size, Speed, or
Our ability to create useful Meta-Models has helped us become the most powerful animal on the face of the earth by enabling our ability to unapologetic-ally commit to a goal with others who we know, like, & trust; or in other words, we can accomplish almost anything with those we believe are like us.
TRIBALISM | SECTARIANISM | CHAUVINISM
We do also, of course, envision outcomes which benefit ourselves and therefore tend to bond with others who can see our vision. Psychologists sometimes refer to our ability to bond with those we believe are like us as mental pre-dispositions of Tribalism, Sectarianism, & Chauvinism.
All three of these are similar, but these THREE methods make up the tools that we use to ensure our overall survival. We continue to thrive because we have somewhat perfected these social constructs:
- the state or fact of being organized in a tribe or tribes.
- the behavior and attitudes that stem from strong loyalty to one’s own tribe or social group.
- excessive attachment to a particular sect or party, especially in religion.
- exaggerated or aggressive patriotism.
- excessive or prejudiced support for one’s own cause, group, or sex.
So, if someone is of a noticeably different tribe, but you seek to bypass Tribalism, Sectarianism, or Chauvinism, in order to build rapport and ensure a successful social interaction with the best overall outcome what skills must one acquire?
This is another interesting concept that will automatically build rapport. So, there you are in the restaurant with your partner, spouse, or friend and the waiter brings the food. The Problem is, the food is cold.
What do You do? Well, Let’s look at 2 very typical scenarios:
- You complain to the waiter and make a bit of a scene. Your partner is embarrassed and later you will argue about your behavior. The waiter is already having a bad evening, because the server was sent to another table to sing Happy Birthday while your plate got cold in the window and their tables all went without refills.
- Now, let’s say you quietly and politely called the waiter over to explain the food was cold. He profusely apologizes and explains about the party, but that the manager will be happy to rectify the situation. The manager says you can have the meal on the house because of your politeness. You see, we are social creatures so the way we act determines how the other person reacts and so on and so on. The same situation can have many outcomes depending on our behavior.
Shouting back at your partner can lead to more shouting etc. Whereas, speaking to your partner, spouse, or friend in a soft caring voice, ie
“Hey, we typically communicate well, and I could be wrong here, but did something happen that caused you to feel negatively?”
could calm the situation down enough for them to explain they had a terrible day at work. If Your Behavior Doesn’t get the Outcome You Want, do something different, and THAT is the definition of Behavioral Flexibility. Your comfort isn’t as important as the overall synergy.
NOTE: A few have shown concern that this skill could be used as an excuse for certain people to not be assertive when it comes to their self identity or worth, making them a clear target for those with narcissistic or selfish tendencies. If this is a concern for you, please pause and read this article: https://jamespesch.com/positive-intent-everyone-is-always-doing-their-best/
A PHYSIOLOGY AND PSYCHOLOGY FOCUSED ON YOUR PREFERRED OUTCOME
How do you stand, how do you carry yourself? The thoughts that run through your mind and the story you tell yourself about yourself are determining how you behave. Make sure what it is that you want in your head and how you want to carry yourself to achieve your outcome.
Is the way you see yourself now conducive to getting the results you want? When you go to an interview, do you attend wearing ripped jeans, chewing gum, and act in a manner that may offend the potential employer or do you walk tall and speak clearly?
When you are with your partner, do you lie on the couch all day and shout across the room at them to get you some coffee? You don’t see the queen of England swearing in public and chewing gum with her mouth open. Instead, you will see a polite wave and smile. Be sure that you act, behave and carry yourself in a way that is conducive for the end result you wish to achieve. This does not mean being false. It means act in the way that will do you proud. You never know whose watching.
Wrapping it Up
If you find you have trouble knowing how to attract others who think like you, it might make sense to focus on an exercise I call Preframing. If that appeals to you, contact me today for a FREE instructional video or to book a workshop for a small group. The only way to get good at this is by being intentional and that’s how I help enable people just like you everyday to
“Be Your Own Hero!”
JAMES PESCH WELCOMES YOU BACK!
KEYNOTE SPEAKER | BUSINESS COACH | CORPORATE TRAINER | SALES TRAINER | HUMAN PERSUASION EXPERT | LINGUIST | NEUROLINGUISTIC PROGRAMMER (NLP) EXPERT | HUMAN BEHAVIOR EXPERT | TUTOR | LIFE COACH | DECEPTION DETECTION TRAINER | HR & PERSONNEL COMMUNICATION ANALYST | TULSA BUSINESS CONSULTANT | TULSA BUSINESS MASTERY EXPERT | TULSA’S MOST ENTERTAINING SPEAKER | EDUCATIONAL INSTRUCTOR | TULSA BUSINESS COACH | EXECUTIVE CONSULTANT | BODY LANGUAGE, POSTURE, & MICROEXPRESSION COACH
James is a Human Behavioral Specialist, Hypnotist, and NLP Coach living in Tulsa, who is skilled in Linguistics, NLP, Mentalism, & Counseling; I’m creating content so YOU WILL “Be your own HERO.” -James Pesch
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