Not My Problem.
SCIENCE OF SUCCESS
NOT MY PROBLEM. | MINDFULNESS
SELF-DOUBT | THE PROBLEM
Most of my readers know by now, I draw a lot of introspection and mindfulness tools for positive change from the Ancient Stoics, today’s article is no different and has been designed to connect you to the Best Version of Yourself.
I’d like to address the number one reason I have found to be the subconscious force behind insecurity and self-doubt causing others to freeze, paralyzed by negative self-talk and Fear.
THE ANSWER | SELF ACCEPTANCE
Courage and strength of mind are the tools of the Stoic. Take a moment and try to adopt these two overlapping ideals and apply it to your own reputation.
- Some things are within Your Control, and some things are NOT.
Can you control how others view you, or is it only in your power to conduct yourself in such a way that makes you proud of yourself? The Stoics spent their time considering how to have control over the emotions which cause us the most harm to our own lives:
- Doubt (Self-Doubt) or Fear
2. You have one life, the way you perceive it is up to you.
How do you want to feel about yourself? Most people focus on their weaknesses and what they lack to be able to be their own champion. When I visit with clients who experience severe self-doubt when it comes to everyday necessities like:
- Public Speaking
- Exercise & Nutrition
- Communicating with Colleagues, Partners, or Children
- Being Independent
- Launching an idea, etc.
the story is usually the same. No matter who they are, they have a narrative about themselves that paints the idea of who they are a negative light. When they begin describing what they should do or how they could’ve acted, it is never good enough. This means, I typically have to spend the next few minutes helping them define the language patterns they are using to create a certain story within their own minds about their situation or circumstance which is entirely slanted to a negative, self limiting perspective.
Once we identify the story they have been telling themselves, we use a few mindshift strategies to shift that narrative into painting them in the light of the best version of themselves. By shifting from that negative mindset, they are able to accomplish tasks and overcome those paralyzing doubts they had previously held by transforming their thoughts into a mentality that helps them utilize the resources and traits they have available to them for the outcomes they truly desire.
This is when they accept themselves for who they are. Allowing ourselves to focus on our positive traits, beliefs, and resources allows our brain to activate mirror neurons and experience outcomes within our mind that bring peace, security, and positivity. For more information on mirror neurons and the effect these have on Success CLICK HERE.
NOT MY PROBLEM | SELF LOVE
“I have learned to be a friend to myself; great improvement this indeed. Such a one can never be said to be alone for know that he who is a friend to himself is a friend to all mankind”
― Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Letters from a Stoic
“We suffer more often in imagination than in reality”
― Lucius Annaeus Seneca
“If you live in harmony with nature you will never be poor; if you live according what others think, you will never be rich.”
― Seneca, Letters from a Stoic
The late philosopher, Lucius Annaeus Seneca, is my favorite among the ancient stoics when it comes to allowing others to have whatever opinion of you that they want as long as you are doing your best.
Let them think what they want, it is not within your control anyway and then remember to love yourself for who you are. Live according to your own principles (your nature,) and allow others to have their opinions. Check out “De Ira” or On Anger by Seneca for more help in this area.
There are 3 Principles within these 3 quotes which will help us love ourselves more & be able to release our desire to please others:
1. Self-Love Frees Your Mind to Love Others
Many of us have experienced that feeling of being so worried about what others think about us that we can not think of anything or anyone else. How many times did we miss an opportunity to help someone else who needed us? What value can you place on the ability to love oneself even when we make mistakes or bad decisions while still learning from those moments, but by eliminating shame, guilt, or pain?
I discovered this truth one day while I was scolding my son; due to my training in micro-expression detection, I was able to notice that my sweet little buddy was feeling guilt & shame for a behavior that we needed to change. Seeing the error in my framing of the circumstance, I immediately looked at him and made sure he knew that daddy loved him and thought he was amazing.
I explained to him calmly and patiently that the behavior had to change to get a more positive outcome. I emphasized that we can change a negative behavior into a positive one due to our desire to have the best outcomes for ourselves and that “negative” didn’t mean he was bad, evil, or stupid; it was negative because the result was contrary to our desire to be the best version of ourselves and we learn from our mistakes.
2. Most of our Fears concerning our reputation are within our imagination and will never actually be an issue
You’ll worry less about what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do. – David Foster Wallace
Most people around you are living out their own internal turmoil in their own narrative, inside their own minds, which leaves very little time to think about you. People spend most of their time worrying about what others think about them. We now know this comes from nothing more than an obsession to control the opinions others have about us. Once we accept that one can not, in fact, control how others perceive us, we free ourselves to be authentic to ourselves without too much concern for the “haters.”
3. Living according to your own nature in spite of the opinions of others is how you maintain internal consistency & peace
Many people are acting contrary to their nature because they believe they are supposed to behave in a certain manner. Hey, look. Listen to me. Feel this deep inside. You will find your tribe fastest by being authentic to your own nature and by loving yourself because you can accept who you are.
If we spend less time worrying about what certain people think about us, we can often open our eyes to the people around us who accept us for who we are and who want to help us succeed at our passions and dreams; those who don’t accept you now, won’t suddenly want to help you when you act contrary to your “hard-wiring” or subconscious mind. You don’t have to change a thing about yourself to get support from those who love and accept you now.
In summation, what others think of you is NOT YOUR PROBLEM; What others think of me, is NOT MY PROBLEM;
so let it go, and go experience that great adventure you used to be afraid to pursue.
JAMES PESCH WELCOMES YOU BACK!
KEYNOTE SPEAKER | BUSINESS COACH | CORPORATE TRAINER | SALES TRAINER | HUMAN PERSUASION EXPERT | LINGUIST | NEUROLINGUISTIC PROGRAMMER (NLP) EXPERT | HUMAN BEHAVIOR EXPERT | TUTOR | LIFE COACH | DECEPTION DETECTION TRAINER | HR & PERSONNEL COMMUNICATION ANALYST | TULSA BUSINESS CONSULTANT | TULSA BUSINESS MASTERY EXPERT | TULSA’S MOST ENTERTAINING SPEAKER | EDUCATIONAL INSTRUCTOR | TULSA BUSINESS COACH | EXECUTIVE CONSULTANT | BODY LANGUAGE, POSTURE, & MICROEXPRESSION COACH
James is a Human Behavioral Specialist living in Tulsa, who is skilled in Linguistics, NLP, Mentalism, & Counseling, creating content so YOU WILL “Be your own HERO.” -James Pesch
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